Dear GOP Candidates,
I am writing to you as a citizen of this beloved country, land of my birth and as a registered voter of the Democratic Party. I voted proudly for Mr. Barack Obama in the 2008 local state primary and I voted for him in the general election as well. I was in attendance in 2009 at the inauguration, and I plan on supporting him in the fall of this year.
To that point, I simply say thank you for doing all you can to support his re-election campaign.
I marvel at the brilliance of Mr. Mitt Romney who first as governor of Massachusetts was able to implement a state wide health care program that he said could have national implications. This is doing wonders to help average citizens realize that indeed a federal program to provide health care to all persons in this country is indeed the right thing to do. Not to mention, the way Mr. Romney turns a phrase from speaking of his wife’s Cadillacs (more than just one) or that he’s not too concerned about the “very poor” let alone his very good friends who are NASCAR team owners. Honestly, Mr. Romney, we appreciate what you are doing to advance the progressive cause here in America.
What I thought was one of your crowning moments was how you were able to win Michigan by THREE percentage points! From a guy who was essentially in a dead heat with another candidate, to surge ahead and put THREE points between you two is a remarkable feat. Your ability to distance yourself in poll numbers from Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich, or even those other people like Herman Cain and Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann, it really and truly shows that you are the favored candidate to help Mr. Obama be re-elected in November.
Behind every great front-runner is the first place guy who comes in second—former Senator Rick Santorum. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, Mr. Santorum has all but sealed the deal to help re-elect Mr. Obama in November. Seriously, whoever on your campaign team, Mr. Santorum, thought it was a good idea to bring up Jeremiah Wright again four years later deserves a raise. There’s nothing like bringing up old political footballs four years later…And then to connect it with Mr. Obama as having a “phony religion”??? Sheer genius, sir. Genius.
And certainly, Mr. Santorum you should get the prize for originality and for being the first presidential candidate in recent memory to publicly and posthumously disagree with a former president. Even I didn’t see that one coming! To disagree with John F. Kennedy, a fellow Roman Catholic, about a speech he gave 52 years ago is the mark of a sheer genius. Your ability to take a few lines from a speech given so long ago has done wonders for Mr. Obama’s re-election campaign. I can’t thank you enough for your contribution to what we are trying to do here in this beloved country.
To Mr. Gingrich, I must say, because of your presence, I now know that Mr. Obama is almost guaranteed re-election if you continue to stay in this race. Even if you were the decided candidate (which I’m secretly hoping is you) to run against Mr. Obama, your ability to not discuss the ways in which the auto bailout helped in the state of Michigan or to ignore that the unemployment rate is going down and the economy is adding jobs does nothing more than help out the Democrats. And let’s not forget the fact that your image as a Speaker of the House was not one seen as a decent and upstanding type of guy you could sit down with and have a beer with—unlike Mr. Obama.
Yes, Mr. Gingrich, your kneejerk reaction to move into culture wars rather than stay talking about the economy has done wonders for the Obama campaign. And yes, to promise $2.50 per gallon of gasoline to crowds of supporters does nothing but signal to Mr. Obama that those people are so delusional as to believe you that must have someone to lead and guide them who possesses both intelligence and a modicum of common sense—and that person is Mr. Barack Obama.
Finally, to the last one who certainly seems the least likely, Congressman Ron Paul. Seeing you on stage for the 234,345,380,346th Republican debate warmed my heart. I knew I could count on seeing you in the fuddy-duddy oversized suit and see the warm and genial smile emanating from your face—as only someone with bouts of forgetfulness can give. To see you teeter from great stances on various policies and what not to tottering into policies that would set civil and human rights back by about a century in this country makes me all the more happy about Mr. Obama’s re-election.
Mr. Paul, having you present has done nothing but give me comic relief in the face of candidate selection pool that has gone sour at their own futile attempts to really try and run against Mr. Obama. You bring certain levity to proceedings that often times become imbrued by the stench of bigotry and unabashed hegemony in the face of unchecked belligerence in foreign affairs. Yes, Mr. Paul, without you I wouldn’t be able to laugh at all of this.
Yes, to the GOP candidates, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If it weren’t for you, the final four, Barack Obama would not have torn up that business card he got for a moving van four years ago. If it weren’t for you, Sasha and Malia would have to worry about moving to a different school.
Think of what you have done for the country. By causing dissension in your own party between the extreme right base and the right centrists and trying to vie for independents in a general election, you have assured that this country will still have a black woman as the First Lady. Think about what you have done for this country, how you are indeed moving us forward by trying to take us back. Only you could do this for us.
Gentlemen, take a bow, well done.
Sincerely,
Joshua L. Lazard, the Uppity Negro.
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